Monday, November 7, 2011

Ghost Town

About a month ago, I traveled back down to my Southern roots that hold down ancient oak trees covered in Spanish moss on the Florida/Georgia border. A second cousin was getting married. The preacher was wearing a skin tight pink ensemble and lots of bottle blonde. There was already a child out of wedlock, lots of country karaoke, and the only nonalcoholic beverage offered was sweet tea. My mom almost made me miss my flight back, but she made up for it beforehand by line dancing in cowboy boots and exclaiming, "I put my britches on backwards!"
While I was there, my brother and I walked around the tiny town and snapped a few pictures. It literally has one gas station, one corner store, two restaurants, two churches, and the tiniest fire station and library I've ever seen. All within one mile of each other. There are pictures of me by the train tracks, but don't let that fool you. The train hasn't stopped there for years.
Johnny is my deceased great grandfather I never met. Dorothy is my still kicking sassy great grandmother. Bobo is what they named every one of their four children. Or their dog. I can't remember.

 My great grandmother's ancient wrap-around front porch with original 80 year old seating.

 The original bridezillas, from left to right: Belinda, Great Aunt Once Removed; Brenda Breeze, Great Aunt; Barbara Anne, Grandmother; Linda, Great Aunt.

This was my favorite photo in the house. It's of my grandmother, my aunt [the little one], and my mother in the 70s. I love what they are wearing, especially my mother's outfit.

And then there's this.
Leave it to your great grandmother's house
to remind you what you looked like with hair a decade ago.

Sunday, October 30, 2011

Spilling my guts on Halloween

'Twas the morning before the Saturday night before Halloween,
When all through Brooklyn
Not a creature was stirring, not even a Subway rat
The sexy costumes were hung by the radiator with care,
In hopes that some dick would soon be in there;
The sluts were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of dancing half naked ran through their heads;
And Mike in his hoodie, and me in my puffy coat,
Had just walked outside for a mid-morning coffee,
When out on the street there arose such a sight,
I held out my hands, and much to my delight, 
It was fucking snowing in October! A LOT.
Here's to hoping Halloween sluts melt in snow.

[Also, I know this was a spoof on a Christmas poem, but I just watched "The Nightmare Before Christmas", and it's blizzarding already, so I'm a little confused.]

But yeah, I mean, don't get me wrong. I don't have anything wrong with looking sexy or being a slut. What I have something against is wearing lingerie and a themed hat in public and calling it a costume. What I can't stand, is when something is made sexy that IS NOT SEXY. BY ANY MEANS. A police officer wears pants, thank you very much. A rabbi would never be caught dead in a corset. Raggedy Anne is a children's toy for Christ's sake. If you want to dress like a slut, that's fine, but just admit you are going as a stripper. I will not have you ruin Harry Potter for me, just so you can add to your venereal disease collection or the plethora of pictures of you kissing girls on the internet.

So here's me, "spilling my guts".

I picked up a nude body suit and tights from American Apparel, and some fake intestines and a jug of blood from a costume shop. I sewed an uneven line down a leg of the tights, cut of the excess, turned it inside out, stuffed it with muslin fabric, and soaked it in fake blood. I also strategically drenched myself in the mess. I hot glued/safety pinned the plastic fake intestines I bought to the leotard. Then I proceeded to dry myself and the intestines I made for what seemed like way too many spooky jams and hot apple ciders later. I had to wear a huge, waterproof puffy coat over my ensemble, so I needed to make sure I wouldn't freeze my tits off or ruin my coat. Once everything was dry, I hand sewed the rest of the intestines onto the leotard, making sure to drape them ever so disgustingly.

What I wore under my enormous, green, Arctic conditions, extremely unsexy monster puffy coat...

Happy Halloween! 
Even to the sexy sluts! Just remember, there will be someone like me coming up behind you and trying to hump your bare ass with their intestines.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Back to School Vibes

 "I like your friend."
"Which one?"
"The one with the boy haircut."
Says the dude I talked to for a total of ten minutes, which mostly consisted of him showing off photos of himself as a goth teenager with a face full of makeup, platform boots, and sushi placed strategically all over his naked body. 
"OkCupid says we're compatible. Does she get on there anymore?"
Says the dude who trimmed his pubes in the bathroom, while my friends and I were right outside making fun of the Bachelorette. Yes, he left them in the toilet without flushing.
"I think she has a boyfriend."

So it's that time of year again. Unless of course you are like me, and a 24 year old professional intern with a Bachelor's Degree in NYC. But that doesn't mean we can't take advantage of low-maintenance school boy haircuts, book bags, and petitioning idiotic clothing companies to remove toxic stereotype-inducing, school related graphics from their tee shirts.
Last night this outfit accompanied me to another fun-filled night at Drag Queen Bingo. I actually ended up winning the first game, and my best friend was only underwear and knee high boots away from being completely naked on stage. My prize was a ceramic apple and a box of Junior Mints, which seemed great until I found out the next prize was a couple of hand towels covered in the faces of kittens and puppies. 
denim button-up: thrifted dress I amputated // leopard print skirt: thrifted, but looks homemade // beaded belt: Fox & Fawn Vintage // sandals: Jeffrey Campbell
backpack: stared at it for half an hour trying to convince myself I needed another bag in the San Juan, Puerto Rico Airport

Here are some of the vomit inducing sexist tees I was speaking of earlier. The ones on the left have apparently already been removed because there are a good number of self-respecting, decent human beings in this world that aren't afraid of letting JC Penney and Forever 21 know how insulting/terrifying/unacceptable this is. Although to the best of my knowledge the ones on the right are still out there poisoning the minds of our youth for less than $15. But what's most disturbing, is that these items actually made it from an idea, to production, all the way to being on the shelves and within the grasp of girls ages 7 to 17. I work for a children's clothing design company, and I know how many people a design has to go through to get approved. The fact that no one is opposing this obviously demeaning garbage is quite horrifying. That is why everyone should sign this petition to show that the companies' review process is flawed, and must be improved, so that this never happens again. By the way, before it got pulled, this is how JC Penney decided to market that "I'm too pretty to be smart" tee: "Who has time for homework when there's a new Justin Bieber album out? She'll love this tee that's just as cute and sassy as she is." Seriously? Way to make me physically ill, JCPenney. I mean, you're pretty much promoting bulimia as well at this point.

marketed to young girls

marketed to teenage girls

And here is a glamour shot of my baby Boobie to calm your infuriated nerves/congratulate you on signing that petition!

Saturday, March 19, 2011


My grandmother gave me this shirt when I was 14.

Also, here are some things that have been on my mind the past month...

"I wonder how many starving children we could have saved instead of having the Super Bowl and that insanely gratuitous half time show. I bet we could have cured cancer and invented teleportation and resurrected unicorns by now if it weren't for this crap. Just sayin'."

"Valentine's Day is only fun when you're a single cynic or dating a romantic. Otherwise it's just unnecessarily disappointing and way too pink."

"You know you've reached another level in your relationship when you can floss the broccoli out of your teeth with your boyfriend's freshly plucked facial hair."

"I just applied for a job in Social Work: What working in the fashion industry + watching too much Law & Order: SVU will do to you."

"Every day is gone so quickly. And each one equally as empty. When all else fails, at least I have a cat to spoon."

"I just had to give the ladies in abercrombie a simple math tutorial when returning something for work. Three of them couldn't figure out something that I realized just from overhearing their conversation. I think the intense cologne fumes in there are starting to eat away at their pretty little brains."

"One day children will no longer exist. We will be birthing tiny, robotic adults, painted in makeup and hair dye and eating disorders, their innocence raped by how the internet and pop culture and technology fuels the overzealous need to be noticed and fit in at the same time. Parents that take an interest and communicate with their children, I thank you. I want to see kids laughing in trees fifty years from now. I want the imagination to be more than just a figment."

and finally...

"Spring has unearthed all sorts of confusing combos. One being Birkenstock thong sandals & fishnet stockings. It also never fails to resurrect the belly shirt. Mothers of small children not excluded."


Sunday, February 6, 2011

Pleather & Lace

I wore this last night thinking I was headed to a 90s Grunge Prom Party, but my girlfriend wasn't feeling up to it, and the boys apparently aren't as into dancing to Spice Girls and Nirvana in flannel and lace as I am. So I stayed home with the dudes and watched nightmare inducing movies involving serial killers and incest. Clearly I need some more girl friends. Also, the skull charm's jaw is articulated, and can chomp down on unsuspecting pinkies and flies and miniature pastries and things. Then to keep up with the theme, my boots' heel also became articulated at some point during the night, and was snacking on large amounts of snow and mud and causing a racket every time I took a step. 

skull necklace w/ articulated jaw: DIY w/ charm I found
boots: TODS thrifted at Goodwill for $15
green army jacket: Urban Outfitters
tights & socks: American Apparel
kitten backpack: gift from the boy
blue flannel: thrifted forever ago
pleather jacket: free from UO
pleather shorts: Forever 21
lace corset: thrifted

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Modern Cat Lady

So lately I've been trying to organize the results of my life-long hoarder's disease, and decide what to keep, what to give to charity, what to incinerate, and last but not least, what to sell to you lovely people on my Etsy site. Anyway, this little plaid patchwork Marc Jacobs number jumped out at me from one of my many dust covered boxes I had shipped up here from Florida. I had gotten it off the internet for super cheap [cheap as designer standards go, anyway] at least five years ago. I've barely ever worn it though, because  apparently designers design clothes for models and people with torsos twice as tall as mine. My frame is just too miniscule, and gets swallowed by unflattering silhouettes every time. [I've purchased three Marc Jacobs dresses total, all of them size 2s, and all of them slightly too large and in charge, so I never wear any of them. Which means I either need to sell them, or alter them. Decisions, decisions...] But yeah, so I was messing around with this one, trying to see how I could wear it, and/or style it to sell. This is what I came up with in fifteen minutes, before I got sidetracked by some soup and an episode of Law & Order: SVU. I added a skinny belt that you can't see to make it fit better and of course show off a little more of my extremely sexy calves or whatever. The glasses are faux wood ones I have been meaning to fill with sunglass lenses, so I don't end up looking like a faux dork IRL. [IRL means "In Real Life" for all you people who somehow accidently stumbled on my site, were appalled by the fact that I'm a hoarder, and aren't actually internet nerds like me.]

faux wood glasses: Asain interwebz? $1O?
pleather jacket: Urban Outfitters; free because no tags/censor and my friend is a badass [shh]
plaid patchwork dress: Marc Jacobs; Ebay; $1OO-2OO? So long ago...
kitten backpack: x-mas present from the boy; he got it online from London
studded brogues: Dolce Vita for Target; on sale for $15!
trouser socks: CVS Pharmacy

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

the skinny

I've talked about my friend Rachel on here before. She is very talented in many ways, as exemplified with her knitting skillz, but she's also a work of art herself, and I don't just mean that in the figurative sense. She literally is a walking flesh and blood canvas for many beautiful and unique inked on designs. Thankfully, we have very gifted friends to capture these beauties. Oh, and her legs ain't too shabby either.

First set by Candice 
Second set by Rory

Also, there wasn't a good shot of this lil' guy.
Not colored yet in this, but you get the picture.

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